Wednesday, April 27, 2016

Internal Monologue

I never stop thinking. Never. NEVER.
I make a list all day long of what to do at work--things to mail, people to call, cards that need to go to IRD...and more. That list sits next to my 'personal' things to do list--call Zac, get a card for Dave's Godmother's 100th birthday, unsubscribe to every single store/shop/ad email that I receive...
Then there's the middle of the night. I wake up around 3am and start the monologues.
This is nothing new. I honestly remember doing this when I was 5 or 6. Wishing I could get up in the middle of the night and be productive.  Instead I would make 'lists' of what I would do when I wake up. The thinking about what I should do or WISH I could do NEVER stops. In between I sing songs. Let me clarify--my brain sings one line of a song OVER AND OVER AND OVER. I have not ever been able to control that. It's painful, honestly, the combination of the song and the thinking and wishing...It goes something like this. (Note, it's 4am...I finally conceded to the voices.)
"I have to start those envelopes the minute I get into work. Marina is out now the rest of the week. I will have to do her approvals and flowers. Sarah was supposed to see the financial guy yesterday. I will have to find out how that went. I wish I could help her. I should put a note on Facebook to see if anyone has a car for her. I wish I could go out there and clean her house for her. I wonder if Lisa moved yet. I can't believe she sold everything she owns at a garage sale. I wish she was closer. I am glad that Thea has an Instagram--she's a good photographer. I have to have Zac send his songs. My iPod needs to be synced up. Shoot, I didn't charge it. Where is that external charger for my phone. I can charge it at work this afternoon so that it doesn't run out while I'm at dinner with Lu. I'm not going to have a drink. Just water. My stomach hurts so much. I guess I AM allergic to avocados. That, or the ulcer really is back. I wish I could see my dad more. I miss Logan. Everything has changed so much since mom died. Snow in Big Bear. I don't have anything warm to wear. 153 pounds. I can't lose weight at all any more. WTF? Why? Am I really emotionally holding on to it? OK, today I'll get 10,000 steps. Shoot, I need to charge the fitbit. Is the charger thing still in my laptop? Dang, I should have plugged that in before I went to bed. Where is it? I think I left it on the dresser. I can plug it in when I wake up and charge the iPod and fitbit at the same time. I wonder why my Facebook link doesn't work anymore. Do I have boots to wear in the snow? Did I get my winter coat back from Cynthia. Oh man, Cynthia. Shoot, she wants me to come over in the morning before work. Ok, I'll get up at 5 and, well, I don't want to wake Dave. Do I need to wash my hair today? Yes. No. Wait, I washed it on Saturday, so not on Sunday, washed it Monday, so not Tuesday, YES, I need to wash it today so I will get up at 5:15. I need to send a Get Well card to Mike Johsz. And a congrats card to Sunny for her great performance. ("Blow Gabriel Blow" is pounding in my head the whole time--one line of the song--over and over and over!) I should send Sunny some money to put toward her Prom dress. She should just borrow one. Allison always borrowed dresses for the dances. I don't think I ever bough even one! Zac went to a couple of dances. Cost more for boys to go no matter what people say. I should print out my blog. The geraniums are not doing very well. More water or less? I wonder why the Fat Free creamer is no longer available? I need to look that up when I get up. I'll get up, go get a birthday card for Tim and put it in my purse. Dang, I need to get the DVD and mail it back. I should just start getting it out the minute the movie is over and put it in the envelope and put it in my purse. Maybe I should sign up for the 2 disc deal. Then, we'd always have a movie. But we need to have a couple of nights with NO TV. We were so good about going to the gym for a while. OK, I'll go to the gym tonight. No, I am meeting Lu tonight. Was I supposed to bring anything for the reunion. What else am I supposed to put on that Facebook page. When I get up I will check to see if people joined. If I don't put anything on, no one will like the page. I have to delete the NUTS page. I will do that when I get up.
Yeah...I just need to get up now or I'll never be able to do all I need to do before I go to work. Oh, I have to leave early too to go to Cynthia's.
Getting up now.
It's 4am
I never EVER stop thinking....