So tomorrow my son, Zachary, will graduate from college...I truly could not be more proud of him! The last few years have been tough--he's sacrificed and worked really hard to achieve this incredible goal. His degree is from Loyola Marymount University--a Bachelor's in English with an emphasis in writing. And MAN can he write!I have talked to Zachary a couple of times in the last few days...he has to move out of the dorm and has been looking for a place to live up in LA. He has a great job up there and, well, his life is up there now.
And I have been choking back tears all week. It's not so much that my youngest child is graduating from college. Really! I don't even think it's the fact that FORTY FIVE is about a week away as well...
I think it's realizing that my kids are totally grown up! Totally!
Which means I should be too.
Suffice it to say, I rarely feel 45 and I rarely feel like it could be possible to be these peoples' mother! I have a really hard time checking the box that says 'age: 40-50' on an application.
Seriously! How can it be? I still can't balance my checkbook. I still would rather have a beer than a nice glass of wine. I still sing at the top of my lungs in the car (and in the house too!) I still take off my clothes and leave them on the floor. I never make my bed. I never go to the market. I never watch the news. Never! I only do laundry when I am completely out of underwear. I stay up way past my bedtime to watch the end of a Dodger game.
Come on, I blog all night long and eat cereal for dinner!
But I look like a grown up on the outside. And that's the illusion.
Can I tell you something you maybe never knew?
You will always feel the same as you do right now. The same. You don't ever 'feel' older on the inside. Only every once in a while, when I get a glimpse of myself in a mirror, do I realize that I don't quite look the same as I used to on the outside. Inside--I feel exactly the same.
So, my 23 year old baby boy will be 'walking' tomorrow.
The cap and gown--the pomp and circumstance--the speeches and diplomas--and the tears. I know there will be tears.
The real illusion will be that those tears are for Zac. But most of them are for me.
I know it's time for me to grow up.
And I have been choking back tears all week. It's not so much that my youngest child is graduating from college. Really! I don't even think it's the fact that FORTY FIVE is about a week away as well...
I think it's realizing that my kids are totally grown up! Totally!
Which means I should be too.
Suffice it to say, I rarely feel 45 and I rarely feel like it could be possible to be these peoples' mother! I have a really hard time checking the box that says 'age: 40-50' on an application.
Seriously! How can it be? I still can't balance my checkbook. I still would rather have a beer than a nice glass of wine. I still sing at the top of my lungs in the car (and in the house too!) I still take off my clothes and leave them on the floor. I never make my bed. I never go to the market. I never watch the news. Never! I only do laundry when I am completely out of underwear. I stay up way past my bedtime to watch the end of a Dodger game.
Come on, I blog all night long and eat cereal for dinner!
But I look like a grown up on the outside. And that's the illusion.
Can I tell you something you maybe never knew?
You will always feel the same as you do right now. The same. You don't ever 'feel' older on the inside. Only every once in a while, when I get a glimpse of myself in a mirror, do I realize that I don't quite look the same as I used to on the outside. Inside--I feel exactly the same.
So, my 23 year old baby boy will be 'walking' tomorrow.
The cap and gown--the pomp and circumstance--the speeches and diplomas--and the tears. I know there will be tears.
The real illusion will be that those tears are for Zac. But most of them are for me.
I know it's time for me to grow up.
1 comment:
You have me crying now!
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