Monday, September 30, 2013
Up until that point, I weighed 132 pounds for about five years. The perfect weight for me, really, at 5 feet 2 and 50 years old.
Having been the "chubby" and "husky" pop tart-eating elementary school student and having spent most of my adult lifetime weighing between 160 and 170 pounds (and weighed 202 when Zac was born)--I took GREAT pride in being able to CONTROL my weight over those five years. It was not easy, for sure, but I had it under control. I weighed myself every day and often saw '129' and '130'. When it crept to 132 I would slow down, and lose those few pounds quickly.
Not any more. I now dream of seeing 139!
I found this book on the sale rack at the bookstore a few weeks back--A Course in Weight Loss by Marianne Williamson--and began to read it with great intent. I've always felt that my weight problem had less to do with what I was eating and much more to do with what was eating me--and, just a few chapters in, I understand it is the Gospel truth. I'm not 'happy when I'm thin'...I'm thin when I'm happy!
Through the book I am being reminded that my weight problem has ALWAYS really been a fear issue. I love order, control and being in charge. When I fear disorder, lack control or am literally NOT in charge...I gain weight. Just look at photos from when I was married--I was always out of control and full of fear...and always ALWAYS overweight.
In the five or six years that I was single and loved my job and had a handle on my money and was basically fearless in every way--I was thin and healthy, and my weight basically controlled itself!
In the last year or so, I have changed in many ways. Life has changed in many ways. I have fears that have re appeared in dreams and in my job and in my personal life...things that have not 'controlled' me over the last decade. I could go on...but I suppose it's a bit too much for one blog post. I am seeing it more clearly even now as I write this out.
I only know that it is a vicious cycle--VERY much like being an alcoholic or drug addict--because seeing the scale continuously read more and more makes me feel completely out of control and I weep for the lack of being in charge of my own body.
And I want to eat.
And I want to weep.
Somehow, I am still wearing my size 6 pants (all three pair purchased in 2006)--as I absolutely refuse to buy anything bigger. No, they don't really fit and yes, I find myself wearing yoga pants everywhere that's even slightly acceptable. (I know, Allison, they are only REALLY for the gym...) and I am not comfortable and that makes me angry. I am quite literally busting out of my size six work suits too. I don't like the way I look or feel anymore.
And food has once again become my comfort.
I am humbling myself today. With help from the words in this book, I am admitting that I am often arrogant and stubborn and bossy and inflexible. I am SO fearful of being out of control. I am realizing that these traits are my true weaknesses.
Conquer THOSE issues...and the weight issue is no longer an issue.
I'm breathing today. And taking a look at myself from the inside out.
And letting go.
Saturday, September 28, 2013
Saturday, September 21, 2013
Friday, September 20, 2013
The day before is pure hell.
My head hurt. My stomach hurt. I was starving all day.
I could not leave the house...I was dizzy and nauseous...
I was up all night long...for obvious reasons...
But today...besides being a little woozy (and using as a reason to sit and relax a little)...
I feel good
And I got a clean bill of health!
(I will spare you those photos)
Saturday, September 14, 2013
But do I GIVE enough?
Do I LOVE enough?
Do I give THANKS enough?
At what point do I stop striving to be better or more than I am?
At what point do I stop trying and wishing I could do more...?
When will I FEEL that it's enough?
I suppose it will be THEN...that I relax.
50 years later--I'm not there.
Sunday, September 8, 2013
- Broken scissors and shitty pens
- Disorder (there must be a place for everything and everything in its place!)
- The Internet being down
- People who are not productive (or just plain lazy)
- Mean people. Cruel people. People who ridicule.
- People who use "busyness" as an excuse for everything
- Not being able to control my weight
- Complaints from people who can't get their shit together.
- Wasting food or money or time
- Not having enough hours in the day to get everything accomplished.
Saturday, September 7, 2013
Friday, September 6, 2013
- Clean sheets and towels! (This is huge. I wash them at least once a week!)
- The beep beep beep of the coffee maker going off in the morning!
- A brand new lotion. Or new kind of shampoo. Or a sweet fragrance of body wash.
- Running all my errands in perfect order. (Please let me know that you understand this.)
- Pumpkins!! (and ANY pumpkin flavored food or beverage--or lotion!)
- Any and ALL Elton John songs (PRE "Can you feel the love tonight.")
- Guests at the hotel who say, "Thank you so much, Julie."
- READING (especially finishing the last few pages of a book...I get so excited!)
- Planning a trip/vacation/weekend away/special day. (I LOVE the anticipation of an upcoming adventure!)
One person at work who had read the post asked me if I take any medications mentioning that there can be weight gain with some.
I said, "I'm not on any medication, however I take a shot of ZzzQuil every night."
And then I started thinking...is there fat in ZzzQuil?
So I looked it up!
Holy Sleepless Nights!! Are you ready for this?!
There are 81 calories PER DOSE of ZzzQuil! (And that's a regular dose--I usually take "a little extra"!)
There are "up to" 6 carbs in one dose of ZzzQuil!! Hello!!!
And...there are 10 grams of SUGAR in a dose of ZzzQuil!
Seriously...now multiply that by SEVEN days a week times four weeks a month times the last six months!
Yeah...that could truly make a difference!
Of course, I'm not blaming my weight gain SOLELY on ZzzQuil...
But you can better believe I have sipped my last Zzzip of the stuff!
I expect to be thinner by morning.
And probably a little tired.
Thursday, September 5, 2013
It is, unfortunately, something that I (have to) think about every single day of my life. It's something that I literally battle and something that I have not been able to fully conquer.
I would not say that food is my problem.
Or even over eating.
Not that I don't LOVE food...I take AUDIBLE JOY in deliciousness...
but I can go without and not care.
Or at least I USED to!
I had TRULY learned how to stay at 130 pounds (a very good and healthy weight for me) through not eating carbohydrates. I literally stayed in my size six jeans and dresses for nearly five years by just not eating carbs. I was able to enjoy food a bit more and not stress about it on a constant basis.
That all changed about a year ago when I went to the gym and hired a trainer--thinking I could look even better. My trainer--all five feet and 80 pounds of her--was adamant about how dangerous and unhealthy and BAD and TERRIBLE the low carb lifestyle was--"especially for a woman at my stage of life."As I began to workout four and five and six days a week--and added (low fat) carbs to my diet--my weight creeped up. Sure, the old, "muscle weighs more than fat" saying was being told to me over and over...however, I quickly added 8 pounds and didn't look any 'fitter'! I was eating whole grains and oatmeal and fruits and vegetables...and popping out of my jeans!
Six months later--at 140 pounds--I literally stopped working out--cold turkey--and decided I'd go back to no carbs.
THAT was two months ago.
And it's not working. At all.
I have not lost any weight. In fact, I'm still gaining!
My jeans BARELY fit. I am (quite literally) popping out of my work skirts.
I CRINGE every day when getting on the scale.
I am not sure what to do.
And, though I am happy in EVERY other area of my life...this is killing me.