"Get over it!"

Get over HIM is what they mean.

Unfortunately, I have had too much practice with this lately. I have scoured websites and devoured books on how to go on, how to stop thinking about him and how to “get over” someone. I get it, he's just not that into me. But damn, it hurts. I don’t care what anyone says, it doesn’t get easier each time…and it sure doesn’t feel any different as you get older. I have felt like a 16 year old girl many times over these last few years as I lay crying on the floor with a pain in my heart that I never even knew existed. Do you know this feeling? You can’t breathe, you can’t sleep…you go over every single conversation you ever had with him wondering what you said or what you could have said to make him change his mind. You want to call him. You want him to call. You want to MATTER to him again.
All that to say, yes, I've lived through it. A few times now. Life does, indeed, go on. I went to work, I took the trash out, paid the bills. But, I don’t think you ever truly ‘get over’ someone. I think, if you have a heart and it beats at all, there is a special place for that person (or those people) in that healing heart...always. I think once you can finally accept that he has gone on, that he is not sitting there wondering how you are, that he is living is life just fine without you..the pain fades a bit and you do get used to the fact that he is no longer in your life. But I don’t think you ever really “get over it.” And, I've really started to hate those words. When someone tells me, “it’s time to move on…he’s not coming back…get over him!” it means they just don’t get it. Perhaps they think they are being helpful. Or perhaps they have never loved! You start to wonder if you are just plain crazy! I'm telling you, you’re not. I'm not! Nope. We’re full of love and the desire to be loved and admired and appreciated. We have so much love to give!!
For those of you who have suggested that someone 'get over it'…from now on, please just say, “I am sorry….I’m here for you…" or "that sucks…” Then offer something to do…anything! Go to a movie, dinner, a walk, a drink! Do NOT ask what happened, do not joke about him, do not tell us that he was a jerk, do not ask about him at all...and do not—repeat DO NOT—say “get over it.” Thank you. This will help immensely.
And…here’s my advice for the rest of us...my thoughts on moving forward...not to 'get over it', but to get used to it.
1. Cry and cry and cry and cry. Cry until there are no more tears left in your body. Scream and cuss and get mad. Realize that it hurts and that you can’t deny it at all.
2. Get up off the floor and take a shower. Get dressed. Go to work. Or to Target. Or TJ Maxx. Or Pick up Stix. I always find it comforting to go somewhere and look around at all the people who have no idea what is going on in my life.
3. Don’t call him. If he has your number and knows where you live and hasn’t contacted you, well, no amount of your calling (to remind him how great you are) is going to change his mind. What helps me is knowing how very much I want someone to WANT to call me and to WANT to be with me. Obviously, he is not “the one”. I don’t take his number out of my phone though. I want to know it’s him if he calls. And, when I scroll past his number while looking for another, I offer a little positive thought to him and wish him the best. I really do.
4. Turn on Will and Grace reruns. Rent funny movies and laugh. Laugh a lot. Laugh out loud and realize that you did, indeed, live through it. DO NOT watch “The Way we Were” (and for the love of God, someone please come take this movie out of my house.)
5. Realize that he is out living his life, having fun and probably with another girl. (ugh!) And, he knows that you are fine! He knows that you have a fulfilling and wonderful life without him. (If you don’t, work on that right away!)
6. Take time to realize all the things that he did that were NOT so great. This is hard. I always find the best in everyone and have a hard time finding negative in people. But I am able to find realistic. He never brought me flowers, he didn’t call when he said he would, and remember that time he got so mad at the valet? OR, be honest and admit that you were on different paths…paths that crossed for a brief (and wonderful) time…but were not going the same direction. That’s a big one for me. Where THEY want to be in five years is often, unfortunately, far from where I’m going to be.
7. Do not talk about him anymore. Find ONE friend who will be there for you…one who will let you rant and rave and talk about it. But, for the rest of the world, when they ask what happened with the relationship…you simply say, “It ran its course.” Period.
8. Buy some ‘self care’ books and be the best person you can be. Take care of yourself. Be sure to eat and not drink too much and get some sleep. (One Tylenol PM can help you NOT wake up in the night replaying that last conversation!) Remember how great you are! You are.
9. Even in the midst of the pain, know that “this too shall pass” and that you WILL live through it. Take the time to grieve a little, read a little, watch a few movies and laugh a lot. Breathe. Stay busy. Clean your house! Call friends! Above all, enjoy life.
10. Open up your mind and heart to the person who is out there looking for you. Keep your eyes facing forward to the ONE…your true soul mate. Remember that no matter how much fun you had with the other man, he was not the one. And know that you are now free to find your true, real, love.
And, remember that baseball season starts next month! This gives you something to look forward to every single day!! (Ok, maybe that only works for me.)
Repeat after me: I am loved! I am worthy of love. I am beautiful and desirable and full of life! I can’t wait to find the man who I can give all this love to…one who will value it and cherish it and love me in exactly the same way.
In the mean time…go out and enjoy every single minute of your life! And, keep your eyes open. He’s on his way to you too…he might even be at Target. Or TJ Maxx. Or Pick up Stix.
Life goes on.
Get used to it.