Love the one you're with...

One of the hardest things I've ever learned is how to take care of myself. Maybe it was not so much learning how, but realizing that it is OK for me to take care of me! Actually, the most important part of this was realizing that it is not only OK...it's absolutely VITAL.
I finally figured out that when I didn't take care of me, no one else did either! I guess they thought I didn't need it...or maybe I made them feel as if I was only there to care for them. When people realize that you take care of everyone (EXCEPT for yourself,) they JUMP on that bandwagon…they want a part of that action. And taking care of others at the expense of your mental, physical and emotional health, while neglecting your own needs and desires (not to mention hopes and dreams) slowly but surely leads to resentment and self loathing and, well, more than anything else--complete and total exhaustion.

After spending the first 40 plus years of my life taking care of EVERYONE else--making sure EVERYONE else was happy--regardless of how they treated me--I have spent the last six years taking care of myself. No, it’s not selfish--it's what I believe should be called self care. It's loving yourself and it’s truly self preservation! (Ever heard, "Love your neighbor, as yourself"?)

It's actually quite nice.

When I changed my life in 2005, I had not ever really cared for Julie...at all. (Truthfully, no one had.) I had gotten to the point that I was 40 pounds overweight, had a bleeding ulcer, chronic back pain and hadn’t slept a full night...well, for most of my life. I didn't care for myself at all...why in the world did I think anyone else would?

I will tell you, six years later, my ulcer has completely healed, my back hasn’t hurt in years, I have lost (and kept off!) the 40+ pounds. And, though I still not the best of sleepers, I get at least six hours every night--and now have the luxury of an afternoon nap! (Self care at its finest!)

Now don't get me wrong. I still love to help and be there for others--I just no longer feel taken for granted or used in any way and it's much easier (and far more enjoyable) to give from a cared-for heart. Interestingly, there are several people who are no longer part of my life, those who constantly took advantage of my naive kindness...those who expected and received...and were gone as soon as they stopped receiving. (Not having those folks around has only added to the simplicity and peacefulness of my world.)

Here are few things that I think helped me become a little more self-caring, self-appreciating and self-loving. Amazingly, when you are loving and caring to yourself--loving, caring people come into your life--and begin to care for you too.

1. Eat right (BIG ONE!), sleep and drink lots of water. You HAVE to do these immediately.

2. Stand up for yourself. Let your yes be yes and your no be no. Have an opinion…and voice it.

3. Say NO to invites if you really don’t want to go. If it's not a subpoena, you don't have to go.

4. Be positive and encouraging. To yourself.

5. Ask for help when you need it and ALLOW others to take care of you! (THIS still is the hardest one for me! I am so damn independent!)

6. Laugh a lot. Relax. Watch a movie. Stay in bed all afternoon. Play! Read! It really is OK!

7. Stop rescuing people. Learn to recognize when you cannot help someone…and let go. Every adult needs to be responsible for himself. Every single one. (This is SUCH a good one! Talk about FREEING!)

8. Stand up for your personal rights and express your thoughts, feelings and beliefs. You may have to do a little self-analysis to see WHAT your thoughts and feelings truly are! You may have left your own hopes, dreams and desires far behind years ago. It took me months to figure out what JULIE enjoyed!

9. Eventually you'll get really tired of the tears and the silent treatment and the anger...and you recognize when you are being manipulated. You will stop letting this happen. Damn, does it feel good to walk away. They don't know what hit them.

10. Realize that you do NOT keep the world spinning! You can let go now! Everyone will have to figure out how to take care of themselves. Interestingly, once you stop, they actually do.

Your number one responsibility in life is to take care of YOU! You’re not only allowed, it is literally a matter of life and death! And, ironically, when you take care of yourself and your needs, you are then able to be a genuinely caring, giving person. You are just no longer a doormat...or a martyr. (I can say this, I've been both.)

I will tell you, honestly, it may be uncomfortable at first and you might be afraid that others will be mad or sad or that they may not like you unless you are giving to them. Funny thing is, when people find out that they can no longer manipulate you, they may no longer want to be around you. It may be time for a few of them to go away anyway. As a good friend of mine once said, “When people are only calling you when they need something, it’s time to stop answering the phone.” Exactly.

Suddenly, your back will stop hurting, your ulcer will heal, you'll be able to stop taking the medications and the weight will begin to fall off. You will feel things you never felt before—peace, calm, serenity, real happiness. The journey of self care and self appreciation and self discovery will be such an enjoyable adventure! And without the weight of the world on your head, you’ll even be able to sleep at night!

And, if you’re lucky, even during the day.