Which opens wider...my mind or my heart?

I never ever stop thinking. Never.
I have conversations with people who I wish were here with me.
Yes, they answer back. We process things together. And, often actually, I can see their perspective.
My mind has always worked this way. I have to think everything through, talk things out, figure out why, where, how, and...WTF do I do now?

Everything happens for a reason. Love is all you need.
I am sure it will all work out.
It is what it is...

Excuse my language, but 'bullshit.'
(You do know that I cuss like a sailor, right? It's therapy at its cheapest and finest.)
None of these ever satisfy me...I need real answers!
But here's what I really need to know at this point: am I alone in this need?! In my wondering? In my desire to figure out what I'm supposed to do with feelings and thoughts and desires that don't 'fit'? Am I the only one who can't just accept what is, but needs to UNDERSTAND why it is? And why now? Why not? Why you? Why me?
I assure you, it's not whining or complaining at all...it's inquisitiveness in its deepest form.
Is EVERYBODY else really OK with things being STATUS QUO?!

Interestingly this week, I have averaged 73 readers a day on this blog. Last week was over 90 a day. I'm kinda thinking that there must be SOMEONE out there who can relate to the things I write about! Are you there? Is this correct? You must think the same as I do...or similarly, right? You don't have to admit that you have conversations with people who are not there--though I'm kinda sure you do. Just tell me this...do your people answer and help you see the other side of an issue?
You can disagree with me, call me on my shit, tell me I'm crazy, whatever! But your reading of this paragraph right now somewhat assures me that I am not alone. Know too, you're actually in the room with me right now...yep, I'm talking to YOU.
The thing is, everything has to be in proper order for me to really feel good. Alphabetized DVDs, photo albums in chronological order--a place for everything and every single thing in its place. I love to have order where I can and I guess the blurry {confusing} part for me comes when I can't have a similar type of order in every area of life.
My brain won't rest. It works overtime trying to find a solution.
And my heart does too.
Right now, they both want several things that they can't have. Which means things that I cannot have, of course. Things that aren't even available. Things that aren't even attainable. Things that are completely out of my control. {Really simple things by the world's standards by the way!} I can work and think and journal and blog and talk myself {and imaginary others} BLUE IN THE FACE...but I'm not gonna get these things.

Someday
It's not 'no' it's just 'not now'
Patience is a virtue
Time heals everything

I don't think these ones are bullshit...And, lately, I have really started to believe in timing. And, I suppose, I still have a (tiny) bit of faith. And, no, I have not (yet) completely lost hope.
I guess I just forget sometimes how good it feels to feel so good.

That extraordinary good!

That good feeling when EVERY SINGLE THING IS IN ORDER. EVERYTHING IS AS I DESIRE IT TO BE. It's SUCH a nice feeling!! I try to hold onto it as long as I can...but it's not mine to hold on to. Not for very long anyway.
Not now. Someday.
Yeah, sure, I'll be patient.

You know that I'm grateful for the unbelievable, dream life I have...I really am!
It's just that every once in a while, I let my guard down (or, perhaps it is melted away)
...things that I keep very safely closed up and protected get opened up and exposed.
Excitement oozes out of me...and I have to push it back in.
Reality hits. I have to slowly collect it all back, cover it up and put it away again. Things that I are within my grasp {or I believe they are anyway..,} are truly not really there at all.
I'm realizing no one is really there to answer my questions.
I've done this way too many times now.

This week, honestly, I know only one thing for sure about life:
it goes on.
And one of my imaginary friends just told me that I'm crazy.