I have a very good memory. Actually, I have a phenomenal memory. Although friends often marvel at (read: make fun of) the fact that I can remember the license plate number on Steve Brady's truck (1D83813), and which movie I saw with Brian Mathews on our first date at the drive in (Popeye), and the theme of Homecoming 1980 (Babe)--remembering things from the past--in such detail--can actually be quite detrimental at times.I remember way too many things from my past that I would love to forget. And most of the time--with pin point accuracy--I can tell you where, when and with whom all those unfortunate things happened. (I can usually tell you what song was playing at the time too...)
Perhaps the most painful part of this is knowing the exact moment I could have CHANGED everything and altered the future completely. And lived a totally different life.
Sometimes, for just a split moment, I truly think that I can jump in my 1978 Volkswagen Rabbit and drive back there. Back to where I was in 1979 or 1980. As if I'd find ME waiting there--out at lunch or at a football game or where ever I was at that moment of bad decision. Sometimes, I feel like I could TRULY do that...and I actually would love to do that. Honestly, I fantasized about doing just that...all the time. I call it my 'time travel field trips.'
I wish, SO OFTEN, that I could go back in time and find ME--my 16 or 17 year old self--sitting on that stupid bench in front of the boys' locker room at Mater Dei...and knock some sense into her!!
"Be in the Senior Play" and "Go to Hawaii" and "For the love of GOD--GO to UCLA!" is what I would SCREAM at her. No, I would encourage her. Kindly and with so much love. I would let her know that it's HER decision--not her parents' or her boyfriend's--and that it will greatly affect her future!
And, I know, she would be so GRATEFUL! She knows I am right...she KNEW what was right EVEN THEN! She had relinquished control to others...God knows why. Still today I don't know why she had no voice. (The voice finally showed up in 2005.)
And what of the boy who looks longingly at that (dumb) girl, sitting (reluctantly) on the dumb bench with the 'popular' kids at school. Could I drive over and let him know it's OK to go talk to her? Buddy, find a way to say hello at least, please! And damn, when you are given that last chance and you are sitting right behind her at graduation, for the love of Jesus--tap her on the shoulder and say hi! Ask to borrow a Kleenex! What have you got to lose?!
Yeah, besides the next 30 years.
Youth is OH SO wasted on the young. SO many opportunities, SO many open doors, SO many chances and so many choices. Why didn't we say 'NO'? Why didn't we go with our gut and scream, "I don't want to do this!!" It's actually OVERWHELMING to me at times, to think that I got married six months out of high school and spent the next 23 years regretting the decision and living with the consequences. I SO didn't want to walk down that aisle. I actually OFTEN think of having a time travel field trip to that church on in April 1982 and running in before that wedding starts. I can SEE myself dragging me out of that church...with very little resistance, actually. I know that I would be so glad that I arrived just in time. (I suppose we should ride away on a bus...)
The other day I got off the 5 Freeway at First Street in Santa Ana. On the corner...the Elk's Lodge where our Baccalaureate Breakfast was held in May 1981. As I sat at the light and looked over at the lodge, I swear I felt like our whole class was still sitting inside there. Still 18 years old. Still waiting for life to start. And waiting for our older selves to drive over and run in and come save us from our youthful mistakes and decisions...to save us from our life long regrets.
Or maybe it's just Julie DiLallo left in there. Crying her heart out...
And still waiting for me to show up.
Perhaps the most painful part of this is knowing the exact moment I could have CHANGED everything and altered the future completely. And lived a totally different life.
Sometimes, for just a split moment, I truly think that I can jump in my 1978 Volkswagen Rabbit and drive back there. Back to where I was in 1979 or 1980. As if I'd find ME waiting there--out at lunch or at a football game or where ever I was at that moment of bad decision. Sometimes, I feel like I could TRULY do that...and I actually would love to do that. Honestly, I fantasized about doing just that...all the time. I call it my 'time travel field trips.'
I wish, SO OFTEN, that I could go back in time and find ME--my 16 or 17 year old self--sitting on that stupid bench in front of the boys' locker room at Mater Dei...and knock some sense into her!!
"Be in the Senior Play" and "Go to Hawaii" and "For the love of GOD--GO to UCLA!" is what I would SCREAM at her. No, I would encourage her. Kindly and with so much love. I would let her know that it's HER decision--not her parents' or her boyfriend's--and that it will greatly affect her future!
And, I know, she would be so GRATEFUL! She knows I am right...she KNEW what was right EVEN THEN! She had relinquished control to others...God knows why. Still today I don't know why she had no voice. (The voice finally showed up in 2005.)
And what of the boy who looks longingly at that (dumb) girl, sitting (reluctantly) on the dumb bench with the 'popular' kids at school. Could I drive over and let him know it's OK to go talk to her? Buddy, find a way to say hello at least, please! And damn, when you are given that last chance and you are sitting right behind her at graduation, for the love of Jesus--tap her on the shoulder and say hi! Ask to borrow a Kleenex! What have you got to lose?!
Yeah, besides the next 30 years.
Youth is OH SO wasted on the young. SO many opportunities, SO many open doors, SO many chances and so many choices. Why didn't we say 'NO'? Why didn't we go with our gut and scream, "I don't want to do this!!" It's actually OVERWHELMING to me at times, to think that I got married six months out of high school and spent the next 23 years regretting the decision and living with the consequences. I SO didn't want to walk down that aisle. I actually OFTEN think of having a time travel field trip to that church on in April 1982 and running in before that wedding starts. I can SEE myself dragging me out of that church...with very little resistance, actually. I know that I would be so glad that I arrived just in time. (I suppose we should ride away on a bus...)
The other day I got off the 5 Freeway at First Street in Santa Ana. On the corner...the Elk's Lodge where our Baccalaureate Breakfast was held in May 1981. As I sat at the light and looked over at the lodge, I swear I felt like our whole class was still sitting inside there. Still 18 years old. Still waiting for life to start. And waiting for our older selves to drive over and run in and come save us from our youthful mistakes and decisions...to save us from our life long regrets.
Or maybe it's just Julie DiLallo left in there. Crying her heart out...
And still waiting for me to show up.
Life, so they say, is but a game and we let it slip away.
Love, like the Autumn sun, should be dyin', but it's only just begun.
Like the twilight in the road up ahead, we don't see just where we're going
And all the secrets in the universe, whisper in our ears and all the years come and go, take us up, always up
WE MAY NEVER PASS THIS WAY AGAIN...
Love, like the Autumn sun, should be dyin', but it's only just begun.
Like the twilight in the road up ahead, we don't see just where we're going
And all the secrets in the universe, whisper in our ears and all the years come and go, take us up, always up
WE MAY NEVER PASS THIS WAY AGAIN...
Sung, through tears, by Mike Belprez and Eddie McDonald at the Elk's Club, May 1981
2 comments:
I wish I could go back to that wedding and be the kind of maid of honor that you really needed!....And told you to run like hell and don't ever look back!!! Unfortunately, I was as dumb as you were.....I'm so sorry my friend. XO
There are times when I look back and wonder "what if." Would my life be better? Would it be worse? I wish I hadn't been so shy in high school, I wish I could have talked to that someone special who I admired from afar. Could that someone special see my potential or would they look at me with a teenagers eyes and giggle? The grape in the Alsace-Lorraine region is picked, squeezed and placed into a beautiful bottle to spend the next 30 years to become that amazing Reisling. Which when tasted, we begin to realize it needed all that time (experience) to be perfect for us. 138
Post a Comment