I never lived a minute alone until I was 41 years old. I grew up in a house full of people (four younger sisters and the constant relative, friend or neighbor staying at our home) and had my OWN children while I was really still a child...I love people and being around people...dare I say I need people? I thrive on constant contact and communication...And yet, there have been many days in the last (nearly) five years that I have thanked God that I am alone.
Days like today.
I almost feel guilty these days...for the time I relish being by myself.
To come home and grab a beer and get in the bath tub.
And cry. To sob out loud...
No one to ask me what is wrong and no one to tell me that I am being ridiculous.
No one to ask me what's for dinner.
It is SO nice to get out of the tub and be naked in my home. I had NEVER known how just plain GREAT it is to not have to be modest and private and constantly clothed.
And OH do I enjoy the absolute silence. Since the end of baseball season, the television is rarely on. There is not one sound. I just sit...I can actually think...
I think about being alone. And smile at how very much I enjoy it.
Most of the time.
I've added a Lean Cuisine Bar B Que chicken pizza to the equation (beer+naked+silence+pizza) and disappear into a world I had been missing for most of my life.
A world of quiet and calmness...and the ability (and desire!) to breathe deeply and feel good breathing out.
I believe it is actually the most effortless of all feelings...it's just plain peace.
Yes, it started with another good cry in the bathtub tonight.
And a damn good beer to wash it down.
Now on to beer number two.
And a toast to the delicious peace.
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