Monday, September 30, 2013

A course in weight loss...and so many other things...

I have gained ten pounds in the last year. (I say 15, but you know I'm an exaggerator...)
Up until that point, I weighed 132 pounds for about five years. The perfect weight for me, really, at 5 feet 2 and 50 years old.
Having been the "chubby" and "husky" pop tart-eating elementary school student and having spent most of my adult lifetime weighing between 160 and 170 pounds (and weighed 202 when Zac was born)--I took GREAT pride in being able to CONTROL my weight over those five years. It was not easy, for sure, but I had it under control. I weighed myself every day and often saw '129' and '130'. When it crept to 132 I would slow down, and lose those few pounds quickly.
Not any more. I now dream of seeing 139!
I found this book on the sale rack at the bookstore a few weeks back--A Course in Weight Loss by Marianne Williamson--and began to read it with great intent. I've always felt that my weight problem had less to do with what I was eating and much more to do with what was eating me--and, just a few chapters in, I understand it is the Gospel truth. I'm not 'happy when I'm thin'...I'm thin when I'm happy!
Through the book I am being reminded that my weight problem has ALWAYS really been a fear issue. I love order, control and being in charge. When I fear disorder, lack control or am literally NOT in charge...I gain weight. Just look at photos from when I was married--I was always out of control and full of fear...and always ALWAYS overweight.
In the five or six years that I was single and loved my job and had a handle on my money and was basically fearless in every way--I was thin and healthy, and my weight basically controlled itself!

In the last year or so, I have changed in many ways. Life has changed in many ways. I have fears that have re appeared in dreams and in my job and in my personal life...things that have not 'controlled' me over the last decade. I could go on...but I suppose it's a bit too much for one blog post. I am seeing it more clearly even now as I write this out.
I only know that it is a vicious cycle--VERY much like being an alcoholic or drug addict--because seeing the scale continuously read more and more makes me feel completely out of control and I weep for the lack of being in charge of my own body.
And I want to eat.
And I want to weep.
Somehow, I am still wearing my size 6 pants (all three pair purchased in 2006)--as I absolutely refuse to buy anything bigger. No, they don't really fit and yes, I find myself wearing yoga pants everywhere that's even slightly acceptable. (I know, Allison, they are only REALLY for the gym...) and I am not comfortable and that makes me angry. I am quite literally busting out of my size six work suits too. I don't like the way I look or feel anymore.
And food has once again become my comfort.
I am humbling myself today. With help from the words in this book, I am admitting that I am often arrogant and stubborn and bossy and inflexible. I am SO fearful of being out of control. I am realizing that these traits are my true weaknesses.
Conquer THOSE issues...and the weight issue is no longer an issue.
I'm breathing today. And taking a look at myself from the inside out.
And letting go.
I surrender.

1 comment:

Lorraine said...

Wow. Incredible words my dear friend and so written from the heart. I would love to talk more about your findings. You are not alone in your struggles, your humble blog allows others (me) to know that I'm not alone, we can learn from each other and there are reasons that play a role in all of it.......I love you so much. <3