Up until that point, I weighed 132 pounds for about five years. The perfect weight for me, really, at 5 feet 2 and 50 years old.
Having been the "chubby" and "husky" pop tart-eating elementary school student and having spent most of my adult lifetime weighing between 160 and 170 pounds (and weighed 202 when Zac was born)--I took GREAT pride in being able to CONTROL my weight over those five years. It was not easy, for sure, but I had it under control. I weighed myself every day and often saw '129' and '130'. When it crept to 132 I would slow down, and lose those few pounds quickly.
Not any more. I now dream of seeing 139!
I found this book on the sale rack at the bookstore a few weeks back--A Course in Weight Loss by Marianne Williamson--and began to read it with great intent. I've always felt that my weight problem had less to do with what I was eating and much more to do with what was eating me--and, just a few chapters in, I understand it is the Gospel truth. I'm not 'happy when I'm thin'...I'm thin when I'm happy!
Through the book I am being reminded that my weight problem has ALWAYS really been a fear issue. I love order, control and being in charge. When I fear disorder, lack control or am literally NOT in charge...I gain weight. Just look at photos from when I was married--I was always out of control and full of fear...and always ALWAYS overweight.
In the five or six years that I was single and loved my job and had a handle on my money and was basically fearless in every way--I was thin and healthy, and my weight basically controlled itself!
In the last year or so, I have changed in many ways. Life has changed in many ways. I have fears that have re appeared in dreams and in my job and in my personal life...things that have not 'controlled' me over the last decade. I could go on...but I suppose it's a bit too much for one blog post. I am seeing it more clearly even now as I write this out.
I only know that it is a vicious cycle--VERY much like being an alcoholic or drug addict--because seeing the scale continuously read more and more makes me feel completely out of control and I weep for the lack of being in charge of my own body.
And I want to eat.
And I want to weep.
Somehow, I am still wearing my size 6 pants (all three pair purchased in 2006)--as I absolutely refuse to buy anything bigger. No, they don't really fit and yes, I find myself wearing yoga pants everywhere that's even slightly acceptable. (I know, Allison, they are only REALLY for the gym...) and I am not comfortable and that makes me angry. I am quite literally busting out of my size six work suits too. I don't like the way I look or feel anymore.
And food has once again become my comfort.
I am humbling myself today. With help from the words in this book, I am admitting that I am often arrogant and stubborn and bossy and inflexible. I am SO fearful of being out of control. I am realizing that these traits are my true weaknesses.
Conquer THOSE issues...and the weight issue is no longer an issue.
I'm breathing today. And taking a look at myself from the inside out.
And letting go.
I surrender.
