Glorious Food...

The other night I had some friends over, all of whom, like me, have had an on-going struggle with their weight. We commiserated--for hours!--about our life-long food issues and empathized with each other over our constant battle with weight.
Of course we also drank wine {and beer} and ate chips {and guacamole} and savored banana cream pie {and chocolate pie and molasses chips...}
I have, at my heaviest, weighed 201 pounds.
Granted, I was nine months pregnant with Zac, but I have, indeed, topped 200 pounds.
I was a chunky little kid. I was, according to my own notes from 8th grade, weighing in at 150 pounds at age 13. Not pretty and, actually, quite miserable. In every way.
I took that weight deep into 11th grade, when I discovered boys, Dexatrim and TAB...in that order. And I stopped eating.
Yes, I lost weight. I was anorexic before there was such a term. I remember at one point,getting on the scale and seeing 98 pounds. And I remember boys suddenly being interested.
I didn't eat for years.
But I love food. LOVE food! And once I started eating again, I swelled back up. I spent most of my life--the following 25 years--hovering at about 160 pounds (I am 5 foot 2) I topped out at 175 in 2003, the year I turned 40. I literally could not stand it, but could not get a handle on my weight. I had enough that I had to endure in my life, I certainly was not going to punish myself further by taking away my one true joy of eating. Truth is, I was miserable in OH so many ways, that being fat--yes, fat!--was just a symptom of that sadness.
In 2004, I started working with the college ministry at work and realized immediately how amazingly out of shape I was. I loved the job and LOVED being active with those kids, but I looked like crap, especially comparatively, and honestly felt the same way. It didn't take long for me to snap out of my funk and realize that I had to STOP the constant eating. Salads replaced burgers, Slim Fast replaced Pop Tarts, Balance bars and bananas replaced that late afternoon snack. I started chewing GUM so that I wouldn't eat between meals and I started downing the water. I realized how much better I felt as I lost weight, as I could fit in jeans again, as I could walk and run--and how much better life was over all because of it. I do believe I became 'healthy' for the very first time in my life.
It felt so damn good.
I got down to about 130 pounds and was able to maintain that for five years. But when I found myself creeping back up in weight in January 2009, I took a drastic measure and cut out carbs, probably for the rest of my life. I am happily back to between 128-132 lbs each day and YES, I weigh every single day. When it begins to creep back up, I cut back even more.
In between meals, when I'm hungry (and I am ALWAYS hungry), I drink water.
I drink lots of water...
But I love eating and I simply LOVE food. That will never go away.
And, honestly, I miss it. It's something that gives me sincere pleasure! I love flavors and textures and SMELLS of food. I love cooking and trying new items. I take JOY in food. I think about food and take picture of food...I've been known to MOAN when I am enjoying a meal. I thoroughly enjoy eating. And, let's admit too, that every celebration in life is arranged around food.
It's a constant disciplining of myself. Constant. And I love the word 'discipline.' It's controlling my thoughts and actions, and I'm (finally) getting very good at it. Every day I am faced with temptations--Hello! I work at an amazing hotel with FREE burritos and French Toast and pastries and ice cream and cookies and Lemon Tarts available all day long!! And, like most of you, I work at an office where people bring in donuts and birthday cakes and Girl Scout Cookies--daily.
I do not partake. I just don't. Sometimes I'll go over to the donut box and take a DEEP breath of them. Dear Jesus they smell good!!! (One of my co-workers always follows with, "she's full now.") Once in a great while, I will take one bite, chew it up, SAVOR the amazing, fabulous flavor, and then spit it out. But usually, I just look. And admire.
I have made a deal with myself: I only eat pastries when I'm in a foreign country. So much better there anyway. And, except for Sugar Free Jello (God's gift to dieters), I have all but completely cut out desserts. Yes, I will--and often do--indulge in a bite or two (or three) with friends at dinner party, but, honestly, it doesn't even taste that good to me anymore. And it's just not worth it.
NOTHING--tastes better than buying (and comfortably wearing) size six jeans.
NOTHING--tastes better than seeing 128 pounds on the scale.
NOTHING--ABSOLUTELY NOTHING--tastes better than being healthier and thinner today than I was in 8th grade.
Nothing.
But I admit, it's a struggle and I am tempted every single day.
I always tell people, "In my next life, I will eat a giant cinnamon roll with butter every single day."
But I'll bet I won't.
I love that size FOUR dress. And I plan to wear it to my 30 year high school reunion.
Nothing tastes better than that.