People will treat you the way you treat yourself...

 For YEARS I've been saying, "You teach people how to treat you"...which is true. How you ALLOW them to treat you and what you ACCEPT from them--is how they will continue to treat you. But the other night, while talking to Dave about just this subject, I realized something even a little deeper (for me anyway) I treated myself SO poorly (in my marriage and at work!) and did not talk kindly about myself--ever. I WAS a doormat in so many situations and for SO many years that, well, people walked all over me. For some reason (still working on this one), I allowed it--AND felt I deserved that kind of treatment.

 The day that I finally said, "ENOUGH" and got UP off the floor and STOPPED allowing people to treat me poorly...was the day I stopped treating MYSELF poorly! I stopped telling myself that I was fat and ugly and stupid. I stopped telling myself that I deserved to be treated that way. (I had one pastor years ago tell me that my unhappy marriage was a consequence of my sin of premarital sex and that you reap what you sow.)
Enough.

 This is small and a bit hard to read, but I encourage you to try! I ran across it on a "Positive Thinking" blog and literally cried when I read through it. Supporting myself, taking care of my body, BEING GENTLE AND KIND AND PATIENT with myself...These are all things I truly started doing about five years ago. Sure, I've been single for NINE years, but the first few were rather tough. And, let me add, it's easy to fall back into the self deprecating dialogs which walks hand in had with self pity. The key is to, once again, be patient and kind to yourself. Treat yourself the way you want others to treat you. They will see this and understand what you truly deserve.

 THIS is another KEY to loving yourself is learning to LIVE and LOVE life! Have a good life!! Have fun! Have adventures with yourself! Laugh a lot! ENJOY life. For me that trickled  into learning to live debt free and being organized and taking good care of my mental health too!
Get your shit together and you'll be happy with yourself. And THAT will show others that you're amazing and wonderful and that you love yourself. And, well...THAT is lovable to others. They will treat you with the same amazing love that you give yourself.

Although a bit cheesy, the list above is SPOT on. But rather that reading it and thinking of a man...read it and think of yourself. Yeah, amazing, huh. I have had to learn to be honest with myself and then with friends. (A few had to go!) And I learned to forgive myself! And trust myself! I am patient and love my time alone! I believe I can be romantic with myself even--treating myself to things I like. A latte or a new blouse--I really do deserve a little TLC, right?
And now, I really am a very good friend to myself.  And to others as well.
Eventually, many years later...I found a romantic relationship--with another person even!--that contains ALL of these same ingredients. I loved who I was and treated myself with kindness and respect.  And he found that very attractive.
Treating myself with love began with actually becoming a person I love. And admire. And respect. And talk kindly to.
It took a little while.
But now, amazingly, people treat me the same way. 

I think I can I think I can I think I can...

The Happiest Place on Earth...

We are SO grateful to have found each other and we enjoy our time together OH so much!

Start over...again and again and again...

LOVE this...every time I hear or read it. NEVER too late to be whoever you want to be!
I LOVE who I am today. It's exactly the person I always hoped I'd be...
I had the strength to start over. Several times.
So worth it...

enough

One day at a time...

NINE years ago today

People often ask, “What was the worst day of your life…?”

For me, January 12, 2005 is always the answer. 

LONG story (which most of you know) short, my husband was very upset with me, and I came home from work to find suitcases that he had put on the bed. He told me to pack up and move out.
After 23 years of being married to this man who was often angry and seldom kind, I wasn't quite sure what to do. I was OH so ready to leave him, but not so ready to leave my kids, my home, my neighbors...my life!
I was working at Saddleback Church and quickly called the Pastor on Duty to briefly let him know what was going on and ask his opinion. He said, "Sounds like you should leave, at least for the night, and then figure out what to do."

My children were upset and crying in the living room…though they were 22 and nearly 20 years old, it was very hard for me to think of leaving THEM as they both still lived at home. I still cooked their meals and washed their clothes and loved on them--and their friends--OH so very much. I SO enjoyed being with them, but I knew that they were grown adults—Allison was a college graduate and Zac was well on his way in the same direction. They were not going to be living in that home much longer themselves!

I also knew that my window of opportunity was open.
If I was (ever) going to leave…it needed to be at that moment.

I had thought about leaving for years! Yes, YEARS!
Again, LONG story short, it was a long time coming.

I reluctantly and very slowly packed my bags. I remember thinking that it was SO WRONG...and I went back out to the kitchen and said to the three of them, “Come on…I'm not moving out…”

My (now former) husband yelled at me, “You don’t live here any more! We’re busy figuring out who’s going to do the laundry and go grocery shopping and clean the house…”

I thought, oh, wow! THAT'S what you're figuring out?!

Hmm, OK. If that's your main concern...then OK! Three intelligent people, you’ll be OK.

I went and grabbed the suitcase and walked out to my car. He yelled at me the whole way out the door, "You'll never make it on your own. You don't even know how to balance a checkbook..." (And a whole lot more..)

I drove over to the gas station, parked and cried. (Actually I went inside and bought a bag of M &M's and a Diet Coke...and THEN sat in the car and cried.

I knew I had left my (yes, grown) children. And I could barely stand that thought. 

I had left my home and all my belongings. And I had left the man I had been married to for 23 years.

Yes, by far, the worse day of my life. 

Of course when people ask, "What was the best day of your life?"
I have to answer,
"The same day."

Today is NINE years since I moved out of the house and started a whole new life. 

JOY

Sometimes I forget that it really is a choice.

...at least keep moving.

...and breathe...just breathe...

Hairdresser on Fire

 

I have ALWAYS believed this. Always. I have kept myself busy, working, running errands, cleaning, etc, etc, etc for, well, for 50 years. I have to slow down. It's starting to affect my health. I had a doctor tell me yesterday that it's imperative. 

And you're just so busy
Busy, busy
Busy scissors

 

Could this be true? It's not that I'm focused on the bad...just focused on what still needs to be done. Whether at work or at home, I see what needs to be worked on, fixed, cleaned, organized. I'm admitting, it's taken its toll. 

 

 Yes, I think this is funny. How can I start to see it as true? That I'm smart and that the weight is not a HUGE issue? How can I slow down? I'm truly asking, because I have no idea. Honestly...I cannot ever seem to find the time to sit down. Yes, I feel guilty. Why? I can't tell you why. But I do.
THIS needs to be my focus over the next year...and years to come. HAS to be. I put so much pressure on myself to do a good job in all aspects of life...it's almost as if I cannot enjoy anything unless I am being productive and have something to show you when I'm done.

Heading to the shower, and then to work...and then...always a list.
Time to figure out why. More importantly, time to figure out how to let a few things go.
My health depends on it.
(And can you even imagine how I'd be if I couldn't do all of this?!) 

Namaste

 I saw the above posting on Facebook and quite literally began to cry as I read it. I feel like I became a bit of a complainer over the last year or so...someone who talked of the things she didn't like--but didn't do anything about it. I have always been the BIG preacher of NOT complaining. I have always thought, "OK, you can complain ONCE. After that--make a move, change something--or shut up."
The line above that reads, "You only have one life, and it's time to make the most of it..." THAT is what made me cry. I'm 50 now. 50 and a HALF even. How much life do I have left?

 

It is time for "namaste"--bowing to myself. Honoring myself. Time for making peace with myself. I am my own hardest critic. And, I am aware of the fact that I don't think I EVER do enough. Not sure where that came from (I have some ideas) but I know it's time to stop. Time to realize that I have done OH so much in these 50+ years and it's OK to say, "Good Job Julie!--I bow to you!"

  

One of the things I have wanted over the last three or four years is a bigger car. I know that sounds so silly--it's just the two of us and we're certainly not driving carpool anymore. But I LOVED the little wagon I had a few years back. I could go to Home Depot and buy a ladder or a trellis or a Bar B Que--and easily bring it home. I could go to IKEA and buy...well--ANYTHING...and haul it home with ease. 

Zachary is moving back to Los Angeles this week and had asked if I could help him attain transportation. This was a gift, truly, for both of us--and I let him know that. Last Friday, I purchased the car pictured above...and I will be GIVING my Passat to Zachary. An amazingly timed blessing. 

I have been employed and working continuously (constantly, incessantly, unceasingly, NON STOP) since I was 14 years old. I have earned the right to not only purchase a car for myself, but to be able to give my son this gift with joy. Good job, Julie Hibbard.

Namaste.

 

 

One of the other  'gifts' I am giving myself is going back to the low carb diet. It worked FABULOUSLY for me for nearly six years. I was able to maintain my weight at 132 pounds and feel healthy--and fit comfortably in my clothes. For various reasons I wandered off the low carb path over the last year and found myself at 145 pounds on December 31st. I just don't feel GOOD at this weight.

Yesterday I chose the path of forgetting what happened in 2013 (weight-wise for sure) and starting over on the road that works best for ME. My goal is 132 again. And zipping my jeans. 

I was 142.5 this morning. I know I can do it.

Namaste.

 “Get on your knees and pray, then get on your feet and work.” 

This has always been one of my favorite quotes. Dream for sure. And definitely pray. And hope and wish and expect, etc! But then GO MAKE IT HAPPEN. Do the work! Stop making excuses. Live your life! Forget the past! Stop complaining! You control your own destiny.You do!

I'm on it.

Happy 2014. It's the year of starting again, taking risks and making things happen. I only have one life...and I want to make the most of what's left! 

It's the year of saying, "You can do it. Now go do it." 

And of saying, "Good Job! I knew you could do it, Julie." 

Namaste