Watch Me..

For most of my life, I've been looking for approval. Since I was a little girl, really. Looking to please people. Looking to take care of everyone, looking to make everybody happy. I never wanted to disappoint anyone.

I was always trying to prove myself too...
no matter what it took, I could do whatever I needed to do, whatever anyone else needed me to do, and especially whatever people said couldn't be done.

I was going to SHOW people I was good, strong--that I could do it!...so that they would like me and tell me I was a good person and remind me that I was amazing...

I did everything I could in hopes of that one kind word, or that one thank you...i was just hanging on--waiting--for an ounce of encouragement or assistance.
I nearly died trying...and actually, sometimes, I wonder how I didn't.

I             just              kept           trying.

And I kept saying, "Watch me..."

Watch me, I'll get married at 18 and make it work...it's certainly better than disappointing everyone and being an unwed mother, right? Watch me as I have both babies--by 21--and get up at 4am to wait tables through both pregnancies, give birth naturally (and quickly) so I can get right back to work! I can do it! Watch me! 

Watch me, yes, I can do it all! Oh, and I'll finish college while I'm at it! I'll work and raise a family at the same time...Sure, it may take me 17 years...it's certainly better than disappointing everyone and never finishing school, right? What you don't think I can? You drill into my head that I'll be 40 by the time I graduate? Watch me! Oh yeah, I can do it all, look at me--work, school, family, home...I'm gonna make it happen! Just watch me!

Oh and in the mean time, watch me keep the cleanest house on the block, iron all my husband's shirts, make dinner every single night, have the most beautiful garden, and cleanest garage ever...watch me, see? 
I told you I could do it!

And watch me raise my fabulous kids who will excel far beyond me! They will be in the GATE program, in AP classes, play sports, be in choir AND be happy, kiss their Grandma, write thank you notes...and travel the world, graduate college, be independent adults...

Oh yeah, keep watching, look at me...hey...are you watching?

Watch me, cause I'll have a full time job while I do it all! I can bring home the bacon (after buying it with a coupon of course) and fry it up in a pan (cleaning as I go as to not leave any sign that I had to WORK to make this happen.) Oh, that's right, you don't eat bacon. I sure would have loved a piece of that bacon I had worked so hard for. 
Hey, wait,--you're watching me, right?!

Watch me get to work, get the kids to school, get myself to school, keep the house immaculate and keep the running clothes clean. Watch me write reports and read textbooks for school and make breakfast and pack lunches. Watch me get kids to practice, cook and set up a lovely Mother's Day, Thanksgiving, Birthdays and Christmas dinners for 30 or more people--twenty plus years in a row! Watch me as I figure out ways to take classes in my 'spare time', help the kids with THEIR homework, be room mother, team mom, get straight As and make sure my kids get straight As too. Watch me build Mission San Juan in the living room, teach the kids to drive, keep the laundry up, be chairman of my High School Reunion Committee, and put dinner on the table every single night for nearly 25 years... 
Watch me as I INVENT multi tasking, juggling 50 things, spinning 100 plates, all the while keeping all those irons in the fire...

Oh yeah...ohh, my...watch me.

Hello? Hey! Wait...is anybody watching this? I'm killing myself here!

I'm exhausted and overworked...and unappreciated...and wait...

What? Nobody's even watching?

Watch me as I get to such a point of despair that I am ready to end it all. I have to surrender. I pray for death. I cry on the floor. I tried, I tried...I can't do it all any more. Here's your dinner. Here's your home. I'm depleted. I haven't smiled in years. I don't even know who I am any more.

Watch me, I've become someone that no one wants to see.

I am a martyr...

And wait a minute.

Nobody's even watching.

Nobody's ever been watching.

Watch me as I realize that I was just a means to an end.

I was just the way for them to have the life THEY always dreamed of...

relaxation in front of the TV in a nice home, time to exercise, clean pressed clothes...and a beautiful family, a lovely dinner...

and a banana...

What about me? Look how great I've been all these years!!

I've been working so hard and trying so much and hoping you'd change and wanting you to see..! And hoping, for just a 'thank you' or a 'this is delicious' or a 'damn you're beautiful!'

I tried so hard to make it look effortless...yeah, see how amazing I am?

See how incredible I've been?

Wait....you were right here! And, oh my gosh, you weren't watching either?

Wow.

Watch me as I pack my suitcases and slip out the door.

Watch me as I begin a new life, on my own, just for me.

Watch me as I revel in quiet, smile and laugh, travel and enjoy this peaceful life.

Watch me as I take care of myself and sit down and read and relax and

cry only tears of JOY for the simply, lovely life I am living...

Oh, believe me, they're watching now.