Sunday, March 2, 2014

All the things on my desktop...

 I often just drag things that I like to my desktop...thinking, of course, that, eventually, I will write profound words to accompany them on my blog. Most of these things require very little explanation. You understand, I am sure, just by reading them, why they mean something to me. And, why they will most probably effect (affect?) you in some way too...
 I love sweatpants--yoga pants, actually...They always say, "You're the perfect size..." And, if only some of those I had to say 'Goodbye' to would at least know how very often I wish I could say hello.
 I OFTEN recall the VERY few unkind words that I have said to people in my life. I regret every one.
 I do believe, that I have--FINALLY--gotten over the MANY mistakes I have made in my life.
Oh, have I learned a lot. Most of those 'mistakes' had amazing and OFTEN wonderful consequences that have made me the VERY strong woman I am today.
And, speaking of strong...for the eight years that I lived alone, I had MANY a person tell me that I was too strong to attract any man. That I was intimidating. That I should be more "needy" or I would spend the rest of my life alone. Yeah. I'm a strong woman. It's just who I am...and where those concequences of life have taken me. But, gratefully, I have found my strong man. He knows I am the furthest person from "needy" that he will ever know. And, I love that he loves me,  appreciates my stregnth and wouldn't allow me to be any other way.

As strong as I may be, I am oh so very tired of struggling with my weight. It's been a lifetime of stepping on the scale every single day. 40 years of looking in the mirror and wishing that I was looking at something else. Forever wondering why my body doesn't cooperate with what I did to make it thinner. I wish I didn't have this constant struggle. I eat less and less all the time. I am hungry every day. I DREAM of food. And I can't zip my jeans. Silly, I know. But it's a constant craziness in my world.

I love deeply! I laugh ALL THE TIME. I have a BEAUTIFUL life. Sure, I struggle with food (and my jeans) and the things I have said to people that I should not have said (some things I said to my kids and some to kids in 5th grade!)...
I'm too strong for my own good sometimes...I am rough and tough and defensive..
and, even when I'm not on the scale, I cry just about every day. 
Sometimes sad tears, but, more often than that, very happy tears. 
I have a beautiful life...that I know. 
I love and laugh abundantly. 
And dream of donuts and kind words.

No comments: