Tuesday, July 30, 2013

I always had the power...

Once a week or so, someone will say to me, "Well, you're stronger than I am, " or "You are more confident than me."
Sure, NOW I am, but MAN did it take a long time to get here!
I never felt strong or confident or powerful when I was married. Never. Oh, I was very determined and courageous at work and at school and with my kids...but, for some reason, I was never strong or confident with my former husband.
Eight years later, I am realizing how very little he respected me--most probably for that very reason. I didn't have an opinion. I didn't have the self confidence to stand up to him when I disagreed. I had so much fear (of what?!) that I allowed him to control me in just about every way.
In November of 2009 I spent a few afternoons helping my former husband clean out the home where we had lived for a dozen years. During that time, I apologized to him for not being a stronger woman and for not speaking up and for not defending myself. I told him how fearful I was of his reactions and I told him that my submissiveness was definitely a contributor to our divorce.
Amazingly and gratefully, he said he was sorry too--sorry that he 'scared' me into being someone that I really wasn't. Sorry that we were so young and so ill prepared to take on marriage and family and work and school and mortgages and...how differently we would do things if we knew then what we know now. We had learned a lot all those many years.
In the last eight and a half years I have not become a different person--I have just been able to become who I really was all along: a strong, independent, confident, powerful woman. I not only have an opinion--I voice it! I have ideas that I now share! I have feelings that I no longer bottle up and tears that I let flow freely...and often. And, in ALL my relationships now, I am this person. This same person.
Nothing is better than being genuinely me all the time. Being GENUINE all the time. It's so much easier and so much more enjoyable! Not only do others respect me more...
I respect me more.
I like me. The honest, powerful and very happy me.
And I get to be that all the time now.
Who knew I could have always been that way?


md said...

You are the strongest person I know and I am so glad for it. 138

sprinkles said...

It's amazing how we can change over time. I was engaged to a guy who sounded very much like your ex. Looking back, I'm sooooo glad we didn't get married. I'd have been miserable.