Monday, December 2, 2013

I wish I could quit you

In February of 2005...it seemed like a good idea. A great big, full color tattoo on my lower back.

By March of 2005, I was slightly regretful.

By the end of that year...I was planning its demise.

 In October of 2009 I began treatments for removal at Dr. Tattoff's very busy office. Month after month I would undergo the terribly painful procedure--with a week of lingering burning and blistering--and then plan my next appointment as if this was a normal part of life in hopes that it would one day be gone.

But this week, FOUR YEARS LATER, as I received my reminder email regarding my upcoming appointment, I felt a yearning in my heart to make it stop. To make the pain go away. To stop the madness and sadness and...give in to the fact that there will always be a little bit of it left there...and just let it be.
They asked me to please respond to the email to let them know I'd be there for my appointment.
I wrote back,  
To all of you amazingly kind nurses at Dr. Tattoff's office, 
Thank you for the reminder, however I will NOT be coming to my appointment this week. In fact, I am not going to come back any more at all. I just can't--it just hurts too much and, after four-plus years of constant treatments, I am having to call it quits. I am grateful that it has faded drastically but, well, I just can't take the pain anymore--the actual procedure is nearly unbearable, the bubbling of the blisters for days afterward keeps me up at night, the constant burning pain the entire following week...No, I just can't do it any more. Thank you for your incredible persistence with me, but it is finished.
Julie Hibbard
It really has faded immensely...but maybe, much like every other regret in life, a little lingers on long after the actual event is over...to remind you not to go there again. I truly believe (finally at 50!) that sometimes it's ok to stop trying to do something that is not really working. I'm tired of trying and being faithful to something that really isn't doing anything at all.
I am giving myself permission to give up.
I think Einstein said it perfectly,  
"Insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results..."
No more insanity.
I surrender.
And I feel better already.
Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.
Read more at http://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/quotes/a/alberteins133991.html#rtUo0DHO2yt53ZfU.99
Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.
Read more at http://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/quotes/a/alberteins133991.html#rtUo0DHO2yt53ZfU.99
Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.
Read more at http://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/quotes/a/alberteins133991.html#rtUo0DHO2yt53ZfU.9

1 comment:

Lorraine said...

A decision like the one you made, must be bitter sweet. Surrender and give up.....I don't think you should look at it as that - there is something negative with those thoughts. You, my friend, are not negative. There is positive in this decision - no more pain and acceptance. You are beautiful just the way you are!